When I went through my Toltec training and apprenticeship, my favorite certification was as a spiritual coach. I was honored when I became a Reverend in my metaphysics journey. And, becoming a Reiki Master was sacred to me. I take my spirituality seriously.
I also struggle with the concept of letting myself be as I am with the image of what I think a spiritual leader is supposed to look like. I’m human. I get angry, sad, and lonely. I can have a strong tendency to judge. I also have a libido and emotions and not-so-great days, and all of the stuff that comes with being a person in a physical body.
Even though I’m a metaphysician, stuff shows up in my body and I have to work to listen, to accept, and to let myself release and change. It's humbling.
As a 3/5 in Human Design, I can get really in my head about how imperfect I am, and that concept butts up against what it feels like people project onto and expect from me. I remind myself that my greatest teachers tend to be recovered addicts. They're not shiny and perfect. They're honest and real. They've been through it and they tell you how they did it.
I’ve been playing small when it comes to what I can do in the spiritual arena.
The first Sunday Circle was a week ago and I was so nervous. What if I wasn’t good at it? What if the messages didn’t come through? What if no one showed up?
One of the ways I’ve noticed manifesting tends to work for me is that I have to want it long before I have it. I have to hold space even when I only get a small nod from the Universe. When I get the first step and then plateau…if I can hold the desire throughout that frustrating part, learn to relax and let go, then whammo it comes through.
So, even though I can be really uncomfortable about this. Even though my ego gets in the way of how many people I think should be there. Even though I worry that people will think I stink at it. Even though. Even though. As Tonya Leigh says, I’d rather be uncomfortable in the direction of growth than stagnation.
When I let it work, God, it’s incredible. I’m filled with profound gratitude that I can be a vessel. It’s a deeply magical feeling and I want more of it, no matter what nonsense my mind yammers at me.
I'm uncomfortable but I'm showing up anyway. I'm also being as brave as I can in admitting all of this. As a recovered anorexic, it was deep in my brain's wiring to only accept perfection. It's hard to be transparent on such a tender spot. I know, though, that it's another step in rewiring healthier neural pathways.
I hope me sharing a bit of my struggles and coming out from behind the glossy veil inspires you, that it lets you realize you're not alone. We're all going through stuff.
I heard Rob Lowe say that we compare our insides to other people's highlight reel. Nobody can measure up to that.
So, it's timely that I've been feeling led to offer you what was so helpful to me: crafting a higher power statement. I learned it from Gabby Bernstein. I appreciated this practice because I needed something that was not religious or dogmatic. I found great freedom in it, and it continues to influence me years later.
I hope you join me.
I'm here to support you on your journey. You're not alone. I'm walking right beside you.
Shine on,
Jennifer Grace
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