I recently got myself worked up into quite a fine snit about something. There’s been a bur under my saddle for three solid months. I’ve done all of the things I could think of…asking the person for what I wanted, explaining why it was important to me (vs. expecting them to read my mind), waiting, meditating, forgiving. You name it, I ran through my spiritual toolkit over it.
Except, I never truly surrendered it.
That’s humbling to admit. I pride myself on walking my talk. But, man, this one was tough.
I kept it in a dark little corner of my mind that after enough trial and error, I’d stumble upon the magic solution, the formula that would get me what I wanted.
Before you turn away thinking I’m a spoiled brat, this is in the context of a loving relationship. I know I have much love to give, and I wanted to celebrate a milestone. I wanted to give even more than I wanted to receive.
But yet. No matter how many ways I tried, it just wouldn’t come together.
One of the lessons that permeated me from the Bhagavad Gita was right action…that when you do something because it’s right for you to do, the outcome is none of your business.
Theosophist and Soul Ray enthusiast David Birr recently talked about that as well…that when you have a complete picture, you negate right action. Because after all, if you can see every element involved, you’re playing a part based on what you want to achieve. There’s a strategy of gain.
All of that has been whirring away in my mind every time this little wound was touched.
I thought I gave it up. I did something I thought was ridiculous considering how many ways I had tried to orchestrate an in-person celebration. I’m not a stingy person by any means, but it does bug me to fritter money on something like shipping when we could have a visit and I could put that money towards a bigger gift.
I reminded myself that it wasn’t supposed to be about me. I tried to put myself in the other person’s point of view. As a 5th Line Heretic in Human Design lingo, I'm sensitive to how often people can put me on a shelf until they want me to come in and get involved. If I’m not careful, I can get myself stuck in situations where I’m depleting myself and being used.
I knew that wasn’t the intention with this person, but still.
It’s an old wound that apparently was ready to be healed.
So, I did my part of right action and I tried to let it go.
When I was invited to a video gathering to celebrate and it didn’t go through…I really thought, WTF!!!?!
I struggled with reaching out. I knew, though, that it wouldn’t be from an open place because I wanted to lecture. So, I held my tongue.
I figured the celebration was done without me and I did my best to let it go.
A week went by. I heard from them and we got together virtually. And, even better, I spent an hour with the person I wanted to celebrate and we had an inspiring and deep conversation…that would have never happened if we’d all been together at a party.
When I trained with the delightful, magical Tess Whitehurst in Divine Resonance Magic, I became certified to teach Divine Timing workshops. I’ve wanted to. I started to put together an outline way back when, but the light wasn’t moving through. I knew how I could teach the principles I was trained to teach, but I hadn’t really lived them yet.
After my virtual celebration this past weekend, my predominant thought was, Thank you. Thank you that it worked out. Thank you that I kept my mouth shut and didn’t make things so much worse. Thank you that I got this lesson. Thank you that I got to have the conversation I know I was meant to have. Thank you.
I wonder how often we want to live spiritually surrendered lives but our egos get in the way. When you really believe you’re right, can you still trust that the Universe is looking out for you? When you may never know why, can you accept anyway?
So much of the time, I think that people get stoppered up because they think a spiritually surrendered life means being lazy. My god, nothing could be further from the truth. I had to work so freaking hard on this small issue. I could have run a marathon with the energy I expended. Restraint is so much more difficult than expending the energy. You have to learn to contain it, to harness it, and to become wise enough to discern when and how to release it.
In my Toltec training, don Jose Ruiz talked about how you have to get used to being uncomfortable. You learn to control your poison. You don’t swallow it and you don’t spew it at your target. You hold it (really uncomfortably at first!) in your throat until you can safely discharge it. That way, no one—including yourself—is harmed.
That is so effing difficult.
I know I’ve really worked through something when I write about it. It’s a way that I cement healing and hopefully contribute to the spiritual journey of others. We can feel so much pain and believe that we’re all alone in it.
You’re not alone. I’m walking right beside you.
I promise you, we live in a loving Universe. Magic is all around us. If you do your part and it’s not working the way you want it to. Surrender it. Over and over and over. Surrender it 100,000 times a day if you have to. As you entrain your heart to a vibration of love and acceptance, you don’t have to worry about being taken advantage of. Those lower vibrations will either raise in your company, or they’ll depart.
Sure, there’s a really uncomfortable temporary middle ground where you are letting go of what was and holding space for what will be. But, it’s just that—impermanent. You don’t stay there. You get to step into something new and bright and beautiful. The more of your light that you let shine, the brighter the world around you.
Shine on,
Jenn.
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